Surviving Suicide Loss
Grief and bereavement is a deeply personal journey that looks different for every person. American Foundation for Suicide Prevention says it well: “Each survivor of suicide loss grieves in their own way, and on their own timeline. Connecting with others who have lost a loved one to suicide, and hearing how they have navigated the pain of that loss, is a fundamental step toward hope and healing."
When it comes to suicide bereavement, as opposed to other kinds of death, there are three aspects that contribute to its complexity.
Suicide loss survivors tend to struggle more with the "why." In other words, they have a harder time making sense of the death.
Suicide loss survivors tend to have greater feelings of guilt, blame, and responsibility for the death.
Suicide loss survivors typically experience heightened feelings of rejection/abandonment from the loved one, along with anger towards the loved one.
If you or someone you know has experienced suicide loss, you are not alone. Almost 48,000 people die by suicide in the United States every year, leaving millions of loves ones impacted by the loss. Whatever you are feeling is okay. Not knowing what you are feeling is okay too. Your experience is valid, and healing is always possible.
Guidance from Fellow Suicide Loss Survivors
There may be times when you feel like you can't survive the pain, but you can.
Share what you are comfortable with in a way you are comfortable with when telling others about your loss.
Even when it feels difficult, maintain contact with others.
Consider whether you want to continue old traditions or make new ones surrounding holidays and special occasions.
Eventually starting to enjoy life is not a betrayal of your loved one -- it is a sign that you've begun to heal.
Letting go doesn't mean forgetting.
Avenues for Healing
Some suicide loss survivors find the following things helpful in their healing process.
Support groups
Hearing other suicide loss survivor stories
Volunteering
Memorials
Grief and bereavement counseling
Complicated/Prolonged Grief
According to the Center for Prolonged Grief at Columbia University, "Prolonged Grief (PG) [a.k.a. “complicated grief”] is grief that continues to be intense and pervasive, disrupting everyday life" for longer than expected. It impacts around 10-20% of bereaved people. Grief and bereavement counseling, along with other avenues of healing, can be especially important for those experiencing PG.
Friends of Suicide Loss Survivors:
If you are a friend of a suicide loss survivor, you may be wondering how you can support them. Respecting what the survivor needs is most important. Here are some general guidelines from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s Surviving Suicide Loss Guide:
Surround them with as much love and understanding as you can
Give them some private time. Be there, but don’t smother them
Show love, not control
Let them talk. Much of the time, they just need to hear out loud what is going on inside their heads and usually aren’t seeking advice
Encourage the idea that decisions be made by the family together
Expect that they will become tired easily. Grieving is hard work
Let them decide what they are ready for. Offer your ideas, but let them decide themselves
Allow them to express as much grief as they are feeling at the moment and willing to share
Allow them to talk about the special endearing qualities of the loved one they lost
Don’t be afraid to say their loved one’s name. Don’t worry about making them cry. It hurts so much more when no one talks about the person they lost
Share a story about their loved one when they are ready
Instead of “Let me know if there is anything I can do” or “How can I help?”, it may be more helpful to offer assistance with specific tasks:
Keep a list of phone calls, visitors and people who bring food/gifts
Offer to make calls to people they wish to notify
Keep the mail straight. Keep track of bills, cards, newspaper notices, etc.
Help with errands and chores (mowing the lawn, getting groceries, babysitting, walking the dog)
Keep a list of medication administered
Offer to help with documentation needed by the insurance company, such as a copy of the death certificate
